I don't like to cry

Crying is not one of my favorite pastimes. Of course, I don't know many people who actually enjoy crying. I use to be one of those people who would never cry, at least I never let anyone see me cry. I grew up being taught that crying showed weakness. However, through marriage and becoming a mom God has softened my heart and now I seem to cry at everything. (Yes, I cry at the Hallmark commercials) Although, I still do not like for people to see me cry I now think very differently about what crying is all about.

Today my 7 year old Michael had a very long crying episode. His feelings had been hurt and the tears just would not stop coming. He is a little boy that loves with all he is, and I love that about him. So, during this weeping he sat on my lap and just let the tears flow. He is not a cuddly child, he is an on the go child so, I knew when he crawled onto my lap we were going to be here a while. After 20 minutes Brian took Michael onto his lap and the tears continued. As I watched my husband holding Michael and listened to him saying it was okay to let the feelings out, tears came to my own eyes.

This brings me back to my thoughts on crying. I had a heart that had been hurt over and over again, and I never let the feelings of that hurt out. Therefore, my heart started to become hard and emotionless. I envision it as if my heart had a dark thick coating of mud on it from holding on to years of hurt. Each time I would be hurt another layer would be added growing thicker and harder to the point that I didn't feel the hurts anymore. However, because of these layers and layers of hardened hurts on my heart I was not able to let anything into my heart either. My heart became covered, hardened, and protected (or so I thought) from any hurts that came my way.

The layers on my heart seemed to protect me from feeling hurt. However, I didn't realize that at the same time I was not able to feel other emotions; joy, love, compassion, etc. After Brian and I were married God started to show me this through many, many, many tears. Years of tears that had been packed away and not allowed to pour started to make their way out. I have been very blessed to have a wonderful, loving husband, and God used our marriage to break through the layers of hardened hurts around my heart. As I began to feel love the layers of hurts began to crack and not only was love getting in, but all those years of hurts started to flow out in the form of tears.

Because of this beautiful transformation that God has taken me through I see crying in a whole different way. As my precious little boy sat there feeling the hurt and letting the tears flow I explained to him how I see tears...

A heart that feels love will also feel hurts. However, when those hurts come and fling mud at our hearts God sends our tears to wash away the mud and to wash away the hurt. Yes, we will still feel the pain of the hurt however, once the tears have flowed our hearts can begin to heal. A heart that is allowed to heal is a heart that will continue to feel God's love, and is a heart that will truly be protected.

And yes, I am typing this through tears...cleansing, healing, wonderful tears!



Job 16: 19-21
Even now my witness is in heaven; my advocate is on high. My friends treat me with scorn, as my eyes pour out tears to God; on behalf of a man he pleads with God as a man pleads for his friend.